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i feel like a cat is walking across the remote control for my brain tonight. i�m not in a bad mood, just tired & when i�m tired it feels like the thoughtgates get opened. this is what i think about when the house gets quiet... take it a fragmented snapshot of who i am� memory - 1985: driving to my 7:00a.m. collage class & thinking about how much i would rather be making art & enjoying life rather than driving to a class i had no interest in, to get a degree in something i had no interest in, just so i could get a job in a profession i had no interest in, all because that was what i was expected to do. i realized that i was at a crossroad in my life & that the choice i made at that moment would change me forever. i could take the safe & easy path, or i could start the long climb uphill toward something i did not even know if i could do. it felt like the whole world was reduced to the head of a pin & i was standing on it with a bunch of dancing angles. i turned the car around & started the long climb. memory - 1995: sitting on the back porch of my house & running my fingers through a candle flame over & over again until my hand turned black. my girlfriend had just left me to go live in chicago with some guy she had met online. i felt like my life was falling apart around me & that all of it was out of my control. the world was reduced to nothing more than the candle, my hand, & the feeling that the life i had known for 10 years was over. i have never been burned by a candle flame. some of the questions that are always in my head: why am i still alive? how can i make up for my past mistakes? is this all there is? what if i got it wrong, then what? am i loved? can i truly love? will i ever find inner peace? am i a bad person? do i expect too much or too little? memory � 1994: drove to maine with a friend of mine. warm spring day. sat under an old oak tree eating ice cream & watching tourists walking by. i was warm, content, very relaxed &, for one brief moment, at peace with the world & myself. all of my, life since that moment, has been a quest to recapture that feeling. the quest goes on� more tomorrow. |
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