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this weekend has been interesting to say the least. watching someone you love get hurt sucks & it is made worse knowing that there is nothing you can do to help them. part of me wants to be able to take all the hurt away & make things better, part of me (the selfish part) wants to just beat the living shit out of the person who caused the hurt. (i won�t kill them� just make them wish i had) the most i can do now is be supportive & let things take their course & that is frustrating but life can be that way sometimes. besides, this is not about me. i can deal with my feelings in my own time. there are people more important that need my support & so i give it without restriction. i would become Atlas if i thought it would help. (lower back pain be damned) in contrast to the rest of the weekend, today was outstanding. the opening went very well & i sold four paintings. who would of thunk it? i paint because i like to paint, but it is nice when someone likes what i do enough to buy it. i feel that way when someone spends $5 on one of my chapbooks & i feel that way when someone spends $75 on one of my paintings. yes, i need validation sometimes. after the gig last week, this was just the boost i needed. the reading tonight kicked ass. no other way to put it. great energy in the room, lots of friendly faces & people who bring out the best in what i do. i felt like i could just let loose tonight & it has been a long time since i felt like i could do that. there are a few people who come to the reading who, just by being in the room, make me feel better. becky, lauren, dave, gary, melissa� i see them smile & i feel like i�m on top of the world, like for one moment i�m doing something right. nights like tonight are the reason i keep doing what i do. i never want to stop being grateful for what i have. nights like tonight remind me that, even when life gets hard, i still am blessed with friends, family, & people who love me, warts & all. i just had to put my son back to bed. he has the crud & has been running a temp off & on all day. i had to leave before his bedtime tonight, so he asked me to sing him his bedtime song now� Wilber the Rat� my name is Wilber, i�m a rat here is a story of you� he was delivered & rushed to a heating bed to be checked. there was a long time before he started to move & cry� a very tense few minutes when even the doctors looked nervous. then, he took a deep breath, his color changed from blue to pink, & he let out a full cry. you could hear the sighs as we all realized that he was fine. a few minutes later the nurse brought him over to me & placed him in my arms. now, up until that moment i�m still saying to myself �ohmyGod i can�t do this what am i doing ohmyGodohmyGod�. then i looked into his eyes for the first time. everything grew very quiet. there was a calmness that filled me... a calmness that i had never known before. i understood what enlightenment must be like & as i looked into his eyes only one thought was left in my head� i would die for you. 50 years from now, when i am old & nearing my final breath, i will remember that look in his eyes & pass in peace. that is enough for one night. hey everyone� |
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