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i feel like the cat is walking across the remote control for my brain & the channels keep changing. let�s see if i can string a thought or two together before the batteries give out. the worcester slam finals were great last night� once they got started. i can be a temperamental prick sometimes & some things can just set me off. self-centered twits who think the world revolves around them are an annoyance. when said twits complicate things for me, my inner asshole comes raging to the foreground. not going to get into details other than to say that i need to remember two things� in the end it was a good show, lots of poetry (poetry? in a slam?!?) & i think worcester ended up with a great team this year. the thing i�m looking forward to is the fact that no one on the team is looking to be a �rock star�. they are just looking to present their poetry in the best way they can. that is all i can ever ask of the teams, just to get up on stage & read for that one person who needs to hear what they have to say & to hell with the scores. left the slam feeling both excited & completely spent. it has been a long, strange trip this year to get to this point & now i can feel the stress of putting a team together draining out the soles of my feet. (the stress of nationals starts in about two weeks) as for now, i�m just glad the team selection is over for this year. work is crazy. they are kicking ass on the storage but may not be done until friday. between now & then i need to find a place to store all the pieces-parts until they can put it all together. that includes the four large drawer units coming in tomorrow morning. (5�x8�x4� & 200lbs each) at least i can�t say that work is boring this week. don�t mind that twitch of mine� the voices say that it will go away as soon as i smite the sinners. there is a lunar eclipse on thursday night. i�ve been excited about it, looking forward to it. then i mentioned my excitement to someone today & their reaction was basically, �so? what�s the big deal?� i ended up feeling very small & stupid. here is the thing� i�m not a very bright person. yea, there are things i do very well & my IQ test says i can join Mensa, but i�m also completely blind to the obvious most of the time & there are shortcomings of mine that keep me questioning myself. i can�t spell past a 7th grade level & this has always been both an embarrassment & a large sore spot to me. it causes me to be very insecure about my writing &, as a result, insecure about my language usage in general. i never learned proper sentence structure, refined vocabulary, or even how to write a school or business report. i have no clue when it comes to seeing what is going on around me. ever see that monster movie where everyone is running away from the hulking beast except that one guy who is oblivious to what is going on until he turns around� & has just enough time to scream before the monster squashes him? yeah, that is me 99% or the time. it seems like everyone sees what is going on except me. it has been like this my whole life & i end up feeling like i�m the guy who laughs last because he didn�t get the joke. so many times in my life i�ve been the last one to know� often when it comes to relationships. i�m the dopey sheepdog who never sees the big old �your life is about to get fucked up really badly� bus barreling down on him until it is too late. this makes me both worried that i�m missing something, & feeling stupid that, once again, i just didn�t get it. (i spent a long time alone because i didn�t know when someone was hitting on me. still never know when it happens. someone has to tell me afterwards) so, getting back to the eclipse, when the person i was talking to seemed underwhelmed by my excitement i wondered what i had missed. i was embarrassed & suddenly felt very stupid & childish for being excited about an eclipse of the moon. the trouble now is, i�m still going to go to watch the eclipse, but now i�ll wonder if i�m getting laughed at or if i�m being stupid about it & realizing that one of the few pure pleasures i had left in this world is now gone forever. tarnished by my own insecurities & doubts. i can never view an eclipse the same way again. every time something like this happens, i feel like another small part of me falls away. it is in this way� falling apart piece by piece� that i will slowly disappear from this world. fading away until i can no longer be seen. the world is full of invisible people. it is not a magic potion that makes them this way; there is just nothing to make them worth seeing anymore. Well I hope you You were there beside me And I�m afraid I took it badly Let I love you have a good night. |
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