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having a real rough time of it right now dealing with the mental mush that is filling my head. feel like the whole world is keeping me at arms length, like there is this big secret that i�m not in on. it is not paranoia, per se, just a gut feeling that i�m missing something & it is right in front of me. it is frustrating & when i get frustrated i get pissy. i�m finding myself questioning everything i�m doing & becoming skittish. it is a cycle that repeats itself in ever quickening circles that end up leaving me feeling very soul-tired. If anyone ever needed a flood to start over i think i need to deconstruct myself. need a flood to wash everything clean & rebuild. i think that is why i�m looking forward to this trip so much� it is a chance to just wipe myself clean & start anew. i look to events as markers for change, much a one starts the new diet on new years day. i see the nationals as a good point to shift focus, to take the life interruption & use it as a catalyst for change in myself. the trouble with this is that, for the most part, i am the only one changing. i will return to the same things i left & the challenge will be to approach those things in a new way. i feel like i�ve been through a lot of sea changes in my life, yet i feel immense amounts of pressure (both internal & external) to change even more. i wonder when, if ever, the changes will be enough. or is existence simply a series of changes & routine leads to stagnation leads to death. i like to think that i continue to grow & change, only not to the extremes that i did 10 or 15 years ago. perhaps change for change�s sake is only avoiding the larger picture. or do i think this way because i fear change a lot of the time? i can feel myself over-thinking this & that is a sign it is time for me to stop & step away from the keyboard. the long & short of it� i�m feeling sad & i don�t know why. no major disasters, no earth-shaking upheavals, just feeling sad. i think we all get like this sometimes & sometimes it helps me to write about it. that simple. sorry to babble on like this. not looking for sympathy, just venting a bit. i�ll feel better tomorrow after a night of painting & quiet. hope you all have a good night please be well. |
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