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warning: big load of self-centered ranting ahead. feel free to just skip this entry & come back tomorow. tuesday already. (well, to be honest, it is now early wednesday morning) where does the time go? there are so many things i need to do & every time i turn around another day is gone, another week, another year & i feel farther from where i want to be. it feels like i�m spending all of my time waiting for a time when i can do the things i want to do if i just had the time to do them. i�m spending too much time binding my time until the time is right so i can make the time to make the time to spend the time doing� �what? i�m forgetting things. so many thoughts & dreams & wishes have been put off until i had the time that i�ve forgotten where i put them or what some of them even were. dusty hope chests stuffed in the back recesses of my mind & some days it just feels like too much bother to pull them out & clean them off. obligation & commitment seem to have filled the spaces where passion once lived & wonder if there is a difference between surrender & defeat. where did i go? what ever happened to the guy who would spend all night painting eight-foot canvases & building sculptures? where is the guy who would play drums for hours just to feel the sweat pouring off his head like rain? what happened to the man who drove 21 hours straight at the drop of a hat just to feel a woman�s� touch? who danced naked in a warehouse for hours & then made love on the roof while the sun rose? who once drove to canada for breakfast? who protested & ranted & read & talked for hours about everything. who broke his elbow skateboarding & his nose in the pit at a punk show? who risked it all in the hope of winning at least some? who lived to love & be loved? who just wanted to be happy? is he gone now? did he get lost in a blizzard of day jobs & diapers & debts? did age & apathy force him to finally grow up? did he swap confrontation for comfort? adventure for safety? when did i become that asshole i swore i would never be? i want my passion back. i want that hunger & drive back. i want my lust for life & wonderment to return. i want to feel alive & passionate & fill those around me with joy. i want my friends & family to see the best of me, not the worst. i want them to be able to connect fully with me again & see the fire inside that i know is still there. i want to know when i stopped & how to start again. i want redemption & mercy & forgiveness & another chance. i want to believe that all this can really happen. i know, i know� it is not that bad. life is a series of balances & trade-offs. for every loss there is a gain & in the end it is the journey taken that is most important, not the destination. i will get some sleep & feel better in the morning. i just needed to blow off some steam. i know all of that. but right now i am sad & worn & experience tells me the best way for me to get through something is to write it down. seeing it in front of me helps me to sift through the momentary emotions & get at the core. i know that i am blessed. sometimes i need to step back & remind myself of where i came from & where i�m going. i feel better now than i did when i started. be well. |
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