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can you tell i�m not having a good morning? slept for shit last night. team did well with the feature, but i was not feeling like myself. had that disconnected feeling most of the night. i�m slipping back into my screwed-up thinking & that is just where i don�t want to be right now. i�m edgy & paranoid, my gut is burning. feeling like i�m not seeing things the way i should be seeing them. taking everything the wrong way. i feel like everything i have is slipping away from me & i can�t see it or stop it. like my life is a book that everyone has read except me. a big cosmic joke & i�m the punchline. (ever see the Truman Show? feels a lot like that) i don�t know where these thoughts come from. the rational part of my brain knows better, but there are days where that gets overwhelmed by the dark feelings & i would sell my soul for a candle. part of this goes back to the woman i was living with before i met my wife. this woman hurt me in ways that i�m still finding out. instilled a big hunk of mistrust into me & i�m having a hard time getting at it. she made me feel like i just was not good enough. that, no matter what i did in this world, i would always fall short of what was needed. she said she was going to visit friends up north & (come to find out a week later) she was actually in chicago with some guy she had met online. he was rich & was willing to spend his way into her heart. she thought that love was measured in part by a checkbook balance & i was left broke & alone, blindsided by something that (come to find out later) everyone knew about but me. most of my �friends� had seen what was happening with this guy & did nothing. that hurt almost as much as what she did to me. now i find all those feelings that i thought i had dealt with years ago popping back up with a vengeance & its screwing with how i deal with things right now. the rational part of me sees all of this, but the insecure part is bouncing off the inside of my skull & it�s giving me a headache & an ulcer. my love & trust are in a tug-of-war with all my old hurts & i�m being torn apart at the seams. i know love & trust will win in the end, but its just damn hard right now & there are times i feel very weak. i�m hoping that the trip will help me gain some faith again. i don�t want to come back to my wife like i am now. i have put her through enough as it is without piling all of this crap on her again. there is nothing she can do to fix this, i need to fix it on my own & face my old demons. wish me luck. |
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