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it is not the snow that is getting to me. i find it kinda funny that it snowed last night. it does this every year. God�s little april fools joke on us... got ya!! made ya look!! hahahah!!� no, this has nothing to do with snow. it has everything to do with my head. someone shook up the jigsaw puzzle of my thoughts & know some pieces got lost beneath the sofa & i think the cat ran off with one & don�t even know what it should look like when it is done & i think parts of another puzzle got mixed in with this one & God, i�m very soul tired right now. my mental chaos is starting to affect my physical being. my ears have been congested for a few weeks now & i�m starting to get headaches on a regular basis. add this to the fact that my coffee consumption & smoking have almost doubled over the past few months & you end up with a guy who feels like crap on several levels. i�m going to the doctor this week & i�m thinking it is time to start seeing a shrink again. what the hell, i pay enough for insurance, might as well get my monies worth from it. last time i saw someone it did me a world of good. perhaps i could use a mental tune-up as it were. it feels like all i�m doing here lately is bitching & to a large extent that is very true. i often feel like this is the only place where i can open up & say what i�m really feeling. for all the real people behind the on-screen text, there is something anonymous about writing here. i equate it to what going to confession must be like. but at the same time, there are a lot of good things happening around me. i�m just having a hard time appreciating them right now. but that is the nature of depression & i�m not going to fool myself into thinking that what is going on with me right now is anything other than a depression. now, is this a passing thing, or is it settling in for the long haul? i think that is what worries me the most� not knowing when (or if) this will pass. despite all of this, i still find myself hopeful. still find myself looking forward to warmer breezes & spring blooms. still find the sound of spring peepers bringing a smile to my face. (thanks gary) i still believe. still have faith. in the big picture, life is good. sorry to unload on you all. just needed to get all of that out of my head & out of my chest. as silly as it sounds, i feel lighter now. sometimes words can help. sometimes all i need is release. thanks for listening. more later. |
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