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2003-03-29 - 10:40 p.m. -
spring is finally here & it seems like everyone�s insecurities & fears are in full bloom. where is all of this coming from? why, in this season of rebirth, does it feel like things are slowly dying� souls that should be brimming with hope & promise are withering on the vine. this should be the season of joy.
how did it all come to this? the kicker in all of this is that i�m in the same boat.
this is normally the time of year i look forward to� yet i feel like all my baggage is breaking open at my feet & i can�t gather it back together again. i�ve been on the emotional elevator for weeks now & i don�t know why & i look around & everyone else seems to be doing the same thing. i wonder if all the unrest in the world is just getting to people & we�re all feeling like the ground is slipping out from under us. i wonder if the hard winter just left us battle worn & only now can we feel the damage that was done. i wonder if this happens every year & this is just the first time i�m noticing it. i wonder if all our contact via the web has helped connect us on much more than just a digital level. i wonder if i ask too many stupid questions. this time next week i will be in chicago, surrounded by friends old & new, listening to a poet i respect & love celebrate the release if his new book� & i can�t help but feel completely detached from all of it. it is like i�m watching a TV show about myself & i can�t bring myself to change the channel. i don�t know where i�m going with all of this. faith: n. 1. Belief in the truth, value, or trustworthiness of someone or something. 2. Belief in something that cannot be proven. 3. To trust in someone or something. faith is the only solid thing i have right now.
i have to believe that things will get better. i have to believe that those i care about will be ok. i have to have faith that i will be ok. with every turn of the planet, things change. with every passing moment, hearts flex & rest� flex & rest. this is a universe of endless possibilities. with every passing second comes a new reason to believe. i need to remember that. i need to have faith. more on monday.
please be well.
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ok, i just read through what i wrote above & i think i come across worse than i am. sometimes i just need to put this stuff down somewhere� need to see it before i can move away from it. sometimes it even works. hey, i thought that was what a diary was for.
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Today�s Stats
Coffee Count: 16 mugs
Cigarettes: 20
Candy: some Smints
Now Playing: the rain outside
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�My sense of God is my sense of wonder about the universe.�
-Albert Einstein
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