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2003-05-16 - 1:07 p.m. -



this is a long & angry/sad post.
if you are not in the mood for someone bitching, then just skip this post & come back on monday.

no hard feelings.
have a good weekend & be well.

*******

so, for the second time in a row there is a full lunar eclipse in new england & i can�t see it. last time it rained like cats & dogs. this time there was no rain, just a thick cloud cover. once again i get very close to wonder, only to be denied & left sad & disappointed. i am beginning to think that this is the story of my life.

am i in a bad mood today?
you bet your ass i am.

all i ever wanted from my life was happiness. that�s it. i don�t give a shit about wealth or fame or any of the other things people equate with success� to me, being happy is being successful. but happiness is a lunar eclipse� i know it is there & others can experience it, but it will always be blocked from me� something will always come between it & me. once again, life promises me a pot of fine coffee� then gives me warm water & a picture of Juan Valdez. (& i end up feeling like the ass)

perhaps this is my folly.
i try to optimistic, try to hope for the best. i think to myself, �i can�t get screwed over again.� well guess what, i can & do. my life is a chain of high hopes followed by major disappointments. the worse part is, no matter what i do, it just keeps happening. i never see the bus coming until the bumper tattoos my chest & i am left broken wondering where that came from. it is d�j� vu all over again.

if i were smart, i would just step away. i would go to a place where things like this won�t keep happening. i would become Lot, never looking back at the trail of salt behind me. i would realize that life will keep kicking my ass until i get out of the way. if i were smart, i would realize that having happiness as a life goal is stupid. that everyone wants the money & cars & homes & nice shiny things & you need to strive for that, even if that means not being happy. a friend once said�

Happily Ever After
only happens
when you end the story early.

i am beginning to believe that, if only because there is very little else for me to believe in right now.

i said i was in a bad mood, but i don�t think that is true. what i am is tired. i�m just worn out right now & feeling very small.

i needed to see the moon last night.
i needed to watch her face disappear, watch the darkness cover the world, then bask in the miracle of light emerging from the dark.

i needed to see the light in her face return.
i need to see the light in her face.

it is cloudy again today
there is a storm moving in

the moon
is a lover
who always leaves me
just when i need her most.

*******

And this cool I've been playing I have been
Playing too long now my
Capacities are dwindling 'til they're
Gone Gone Gone.

Everything is going up.
Everything is going as planned, yeah.
Everything moves along.
Everything is fine, fine, fine.

Baby can I change my mind?
I just want to change my mind.

-M. Doughty

*******

as dumb as it sounds, writing all of this down does help a bit. sometimes i just need to get it out there, if only to get it off of my chest.

sometimes the deepest wounds need air to heal right. if you keep them covered over too long they heal slower & scar more.

tonight, i will sit & try to paint something warm & light. try to paint everything i want to feel right now.

tonight,
if i am lucky,
art will save my soul
again.

have a good weekend.
be well.

goodnight moon.