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2003-07-06 - 12:34 p.m. -
duds there are not enough fireworks
to stop the noises in my head
flashes of color across night sky
only obscure the stars
crescent moon
hidden by smoke & sparklers
like we could possibly put on
a better show than God. this night
a display of empty beauty
not enough drinks
i will smoke
until i can hear myself breathe. cigarettes
a habit
a routine
like so many other routines i have
that annoy the people around me
& there is a growing list
of those i love
who don�t love me back. i find comfort in places
rituals & patterns
repeating
patterns repeating
i write of the moon obsessively
but she is the only lover
who isn�t disappointed with me. another coffee
another cigarette
another drive on these streets
that lead me to the quiet places
listen to my breathing
& try to collect my thoughts
but they flash & disperse
leave ghost images on my eyes. i have nothing to give anymore
i am flawed & inadequate
my gifts become burdens
my offerings insults
Geisha creating obstacles
merely by my presence. i am disappearing
fading into cigarette smoke
my mind betrays me
steeling thoughts
before they can form
moving words on the page turning books into cryptograms
& i cling to rituals
because everything else confuses me
i am a foreigner in my own land. i am scared
frightened by the ghost
that i see in the mirror
frightened by the emptiness
i see in my eyes
i am an echo of who i was
empty chamber music fading
reminding me of everything
i�ll never be. all i ever wanted from this life
was to be happy
& now i wonder
if i should have asked for more or did i ask for too much?
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