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Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so. up & down� up & down� been running like this for way too long now. get on a good groove & then something small trips me up & i find myself falling again. having a very hard time getting myself motivated & the spinning cycle is killing me. i keep bitching & moaning & i�m starting to get on my own nerves about it� but i�m also finding that writing is the only release i have for it. it is not some big issue that is eating at me, it is all the little things that are adding up. i feel like i�m being done in by hundreds of paper cuts. little slices slowly draining me & i just keep getting weaker & weaker. for months i�ve felt like every time i turn around i step on someone�s toes to the point of being afraid to move. it is that �i can do no right� feeling that ultimately is the big stumbling block for me. i just get that feeling that, no matter what i do, it will just not be enough. at some point i became a disappointment & nothing i can do will change that, but until i know for sure, i can�t stop trying. i�ve become that kid who no one looked for during hide-&-seek. i know that no one is trying to find me anymore, but can�t figure how coming out of hiding will make anything better. sometimes it feels better just to sit in my hiding place where no one tries to find me, but no one hurts me either. when i was i kid, i spent a lot of time in my own little world. i would dream of wondrous places & amazing adventures. i would dream of places where people weren�t yelling, or picking on, or teasing, or (worst of all) ignoring me. a place where i mattered. there have been times i�ve felt like i had found that place. there are times i feel i�ll never find it again. i never realized just how much my upbringing affected me until i started to question the patterns i have. then i realized just how hard i was trying to fix my past. what i would not give for a good cry right now. what i would not give to be able to apologize to everyone i�ve hurt. what i would not give to be able to break free of all the patterns i�m rutted in & finally become the person i know i could be. what i would not have given had someone tried finding me just once. i�m sorry. you don�t need to read this crap. this is my own bullshit that i need to work out myself. time to take my �big person� pill & get over it. i�ll be fine tomorrow. be well. |
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