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I�m doing that slow crashing trick that icebergs have down to a science. Unloaded last night & felt both relieved & completely unstable at the same time. It�s like watching a car crash & everything goes into slow-mo & you know what is going to happen & you know that there is nothing you can do to stop it. I�m finding it very interesting. & before I go any further I should give a disclaimer & say that, no, I�m not in THAT unstable mood. Nothing physically drastic (outside of wanting a lot more tattoos right now). looking at life changes right now. wondering what needs to change in my life to bring me back into my normal state of everyday craziness. (as opposed to what I am now which I think would be described as unstable. No where near as fun as artistically nuts) the strange part is that, for the most part, I really like my life. It is the static in my head I could do without. If my mind were a TV, then someone with a very short attention span & a taste for really bad horror films & docudramas has taken the remote & is now flipping through the channels of my psyche. (how is THAT for a metaphor?) in short, I�m having brief panic attacks, bouts of paranoia, & getting very little mental rest resulting in very little physical rest resulting in me being much more likely to repeat the whole cycle over again. Whew. I may be slowly falling apart, but I�m getting my sense of humor back. bet anything that humor will save me. (or at least I�ll go out laughing.) I�m doing fine right now. in many ways I�m doing better now than I was a week ago. It�s like when you go to AA. The moment you realize that you DO need to be there is both freeing & will frighten the shit out of you. Most of the time, admitting that something is wrong is half the cure. I know what the rest is, now I just have to do it. most of what I had planned for the fall is going to get put on hold of dropped all together. After the bang comes the recoil & now that I�ve gone bang I need to recoil. Time to look in a bit more honestly than I have been. Time to really take care of me, not just talk about it. the nationals will be a good place to start that. it is the one thing I�m looking forward to right now, a good place to decide where to go next, a good place to be reborn. As for tonight, its baby duty, coffee, smokes, & cleaning 17th century swords on my back porch. The work with my hands will do me a world of good. (so will the extra cash for doing a private contract.) hope you all have a good night too. I�ll try to be less wordy tomorrow. |
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