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feeling like nothing i do this week will be the right thing & trying to stay out of the way just won�t work. there are times i feel like a bit player in the movie of my life� a secondary actor who�s story is quickly overshadowed by the plot twists of others. in the big summer blockbuster, i�m an extra working for scale; the bit player killed off in the first 4 minutes & forgotten long before the credits roll. I am going to Los Angeles talked to a friend last night who is having her own crisis of faith & i wonder if things like this go in cycles. wonder if we all get into a funk at the same time because of some cosmic plan, or if one person triggers others� like dropping a rock in a pond & the ripples cause others to bob & dip with the waves. perhaps we�re all part of some weird emotional Rube Goldberg machine. perhaps we aren�t meant to know, but simply to keep heading forward with the hope that someday it might make sense. tonight, i will get behind the wheel & drive. i will tell my worries & fears to the white lines & jersey barriers. i will leave my frustrations in a puff of exhaust behind me & turn up the radio until it brings a tear to my eyes. i will shout & scream & sing & cry until i am in another state. when i am spent & worn, when i have emptied myself of all the heat of the day, i will turn the car around, turn down the music, & drive back to where i started. i will sing softly to myself a song of remembrance. i will not feel better when i�m done, but i will be tired & ready to sleep & sometimes that is all i can ask for. more later. |
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