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2003-08-14 - 2:08 p.m. -



I am beginning to feel like a man
who is staring straight at a tree
and saying �Lord, let me see a tree this time�

woke in a good mood this morning. tired, but good. got my ass in gear, dropped the boy at day camp, put on some music, then proceeded to sing/cry all the way to work.

But here comes the rhyme
please, please, please God
let me land on the road this time
let me land on my feet
let me land on the shoulder
I swear I can walk it from here

it was not sadness behind the tears, but release.
i am making a conscious effort to change my frame of mind & be more positive & aware of my needs. but it is hard work trying to re-wire my head while staying upbeat. this is new territory for me & i�m a bit lost.

Let me know
that I�m firmly planted in my life

last night i hung out with some friends just shooting the shit & doing a whole lot of nothing. a very relaxing & enjoyable evening of talk & friendship.

near the end of the night i was talking with one of my friends about the recent changes in her life. she just ended a crappy 4-year relationship, lost an old friend of hers, & found her closest friendship starting to fray & become uncertain. she is at an emotional crossroads & questioning where to go next. i found myself saying to her many of the things i need to learn for myself.

Your car shot down the road
and we were on the bridge to nowhere.
Without resistance
we looked to the right
and we saw the seagull hanging there.
It was a perfect bird
all modeled in gray
like an old pair of sneakers that used to be white

If I could learn
all that I could learn from that bird
let alone that moment
I could write for a lifetime.

in AA they talk about having a moment of clarity where everything falls into place & you suddenly �get it�. that conversation, which i have had with other people in the past, finally clicked with me. things i have said to other people, things others have said to me, things i have said to myself� it all made perfect sense. i think the fact that i am making a conscious effort to change played a big part in everything clicking into place.

i felt like i had finally learned my own lessons. for the first time in a long time i listened to myself.

I an beginning a prayer to a God
who�s name I don�t know
and who�s face I�ve never seen

i have so much work to do, but i feel like i finally have the tools to do it. i feel like i finally woke up. do i think everything is sweet & lovely now? hell no. i have a loooong journey ahead� but i feel like i took the first baby steps forward. now to see where it leads me.

for the first time in a long time i am truly at peace.

And I find the faith to be
all that I�ve ever been.
-Peter Mulvey, The Tree

*******

i think that is enough for one day.
more tomorrow.
hope you all have a good night.

be well.